The Aztec Game

The Aztec Game:
Dawn and Ian are chatting about the fact that their biggest asset at the moment is the car and although they can't sell the car they may be able to sell a bit of it, a bit that they have not used and are maybe unlikely to use.
They decide that the spare tyre is completely superfluous to their needs, it's not like they are going rallying over rough terrain. Ian seems to recall that on smooth roads on average you will drive 30,000miles between punctures, which is half the way to the moon and back.
Ian and Dawn decide that people worry far too much today. They discuss that neither of them have ever been in a car when a tyre has burst and although they have both heard ‘stories’ of such an event they have never actually been on the receiving end of one. If things did go wrong as often as people feared then all insurance companies would have gone bust a long time ago. Whenever you buy something from your favourite electrical store be it a washing machine, camera, DVD player or whatever don’t take out an extended 3 year warranty. Ian’s ‘dad’ bought an Odin Legend washing machine in 1952 for 6 shillings, it is still going strong and apart from a new rubber seal and flange dribble it hasn’t required any maintenance. In extended warranty costs we would have been talking £6.2 million if you factor in compound interest.
If you worry that everything that could go wrong will go wrong you wouldn't get out of bed, or cross a road or go snorkelling. Neither Ian nor Dawn have critical illness cover, neither of them have had any of their blood frozen in the case of emergency, or had any of their umbilical cord stem cells stored in liquid nitrogen (they decide to let this one go since the procedure was probably not available when they were children, Ian also seems to think that ‘the man that brought him up’ ate the umbilical cord with some mung beans - a tradition that went back at least 4 generations on that side of the ‘family’). They conclude that it is pretty safe to sell the tyre.
They sell the spare tyre to a bloke in a garage….. they get a puncture as soon as they pull out of the garage. Ian tries to mend the puncture with gum/cellotape, it doesn’t seem to work. They then go back to the garage guy and plead with him to sell them the tyre back..the guy isn't interested.
Garage guy: “it's a very nice tyre, I like this tyre”
He is sitting with it on his lap almost stroking it, lovingly checking the tread, he gives it a big kiss. Ian notices that this fella has a horse racing magazine lying around, a few scratch cards a copy of sporting post and adopts a cunning plan. Garage guy is a gambler he won’t be able to resist a wager.
Ian challenges the guy to a card game. Ian and the dad who brought him up used to play a lot of card games on their nights in together. Ian is pretty confident he could wip his ass at any card game. The guy will only take the bet if their car goes to him if he wins, he is only prepared to give the tyre back a few hundred Euros a large box of chocolate bokdrol (ideal for a midnight feast – bokdrol is afrikaans for antelope droppings but they do look like little chocolate coated peanuts.) and an old calender from the 1980s of David Essex if he loses. The guy also offers to throw his wife in for free…even if he loses…'please take my wife', they graciously decline this kind offer.
These are crap odds but they are in a bit of a pickle, they have no choice….
They have a group meeting ..Ian has to take the bet, they can't afford to buy a new tyre
The guy chooses a ridiculously sounding card game 'Wikibamhickibam splat'. This is an incredibly complicated card game, first played by the Aztecs, and an extremely frustrating one to lose at. Apparently a series of battles between the Spanish and the Aztecs began after Cortes beat the Aztec leader three times on the trot. Ian's 'dad' found a set of the rules in a dusty old book shop in Tipton in the West Midlands. A world championships is now held in Coventry every fifth year. Although it isn't widely publicised Ian is surprised that Dawn has never heard of it.
The rules are as follows,
Each player has to put three pieces of double sided sticky tape on their faces (in Aztec times they used to use a fluorescent green sap called ppllgghhh. This became a permanent stain after several applications – it was easy to identify a good player back then), one on each cheek and then one on the chin. The cards are thrown on the floor by a neutral person with the cry of “oopsdropsy”, each player then repeats Wikibamhickibam splat three times. Each player can then launch themselves to the floor. The winner is the player that can stick three queens to their face first. It is all about speed, agility, hand eye coordination and having good knees.
Ian realises that this will require another sacrifice on his part, he will have to shave. This makes him waver a bit until Dawn reminds him that these days Danny Glover is always clean shaven.
The game commences, the pocket watch chimes down like in a spaghetti western movie the two men are sweating and eyeing each other up. Dawn throws the cards on the floor really hard bellowing “oopsdropsy”. They say Wikibamhickibam splat three times each, the garage guy is down on his knees scrabbling about on the floor like a man possessed. A few seconds later you hear Ian's voice in the background “looking for something chief?”, Ian is reclining on a chair just testing out a pipe, a bit like Lee Van Cleef might have done. He has three of the four queens stuck to his face. He has the fourth and spare queen in his hand, just to rub salt into the wound he flicks it down to the guy on the floor who is now sweating in his string vest, a shell of his former self, a broken man.
They get the tyre back, Ian tries to strike a match on his chin to light his pipe and seal the victory however he has shaved so well it is as smooth as a baby's bum.
Ian offers Dawn one of the chocolate bokdrolls.
Dawn spits it out:
Dawn “Eerggghh, that tastes like antelope droppings”.
Ian: (munching away) “I quite like them.”


Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 License.