Quis Custodiet Ipsos Wossname

SYNOPSIS
Taken with the idea of filming as well as getting used to being filmed, IAN buys a small DV video camera.

LOCATION
Outside.

CAST
Ian, Dawn, Jonti.

JONTI
Ian, what are you doing?

IAN (filming him. As he does so, Jonti’s camera wobbles as he trips slightly)
Medium close up, panning, zoom out and fade. It’s a wrap. Next shot. Lights. Rolling.

IAN stops filming and starts reviewing the footage on the little video camera.

JONTI
This is going to make things very difficult for me. It’s a little self-referential.

IAN (not listening)
Ha, Jonti, you tripped there. Dawn! Come and have a look at this.

DAWN joins IAN.

JONTI
Dawn, this breaks the rules.

DAWN (not listening)
Ha ha, let’s see him trip again.

JONTI
Listen! Only I can film this journey.

DAWN
But you can’t interfere with us.

IAN
If he does, I’ll have all the evidence in here.

IAN pats the camera.

DAWN (to IAN)
Start filming. This could be get combatational.

IAN does so.

DAWN
Firstly, Jonti, to stop us filming is intervention. It’d compromise your objectivity as a film maker and make you look stupid in the faces of your peers.

JONTI
But how can I film you if you’re filming me?

IAN
It’s not Ghostbusters, Jonti. If the viewfinders cross they won’t explode, killing us in a hail of heavy neutrons.

DAWN
You must film us warts and all. And if we sink to the level of film-makers ourselves, it’s only fair to document it. I am not ashamed.

IAN
Don’t worry Dawn. If you are ashamed I’ll edit it out.

DAWN
Bless you.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

IAN and DAWN are on a bridge looking out across a river. JONTI is filming quite an arty, clever shot of them. Perhaps music plays. The JONTI notices IAN’s camera near him, perched on the edge of the bridge’s ledge. He slowly moves towards it, filming DAWN and IAN, then there’s a metallic scrape and a splash. After the first noticing of IAN's camera, we stay onDAWN and IAN throughout.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

The car.

IAN
I didn’t see anyone the whole time we were there.

JONTI
You were staring out across the river. It looked lovely, by the way. Meditational.

IAN
Dawn, did you see a hooded boy on a BMX bicycle?

DAWN
No. But I was looking inwards, at the river we all sail down. That river called life.

IAN
It was the Meuse, actually. So Jonti, you actually saw this cloaked cyclist take the camera?

JONTI
Yes.

DAWN
Why didn’t you intervene?

JONTI (querulously)
I can’t.

IAN
Luckily you filmed him, though. Be good footage, that.

JONTI
Nope. Listen, who's making this documentary, me or you?

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