Interview 1


A shameless and very literal attempt to work a Channel 4 journalist and a community member into the script.


In the street, or in the lobby of a building. Somewhere in Europe.


Dawn, Ian, Jonti, A Journalist, An Interviewee.


Dawn and Ian are walking along, Jonti filming them.

Ian: …like that dog with three legs.

Jonti: I made a documentary about a guy with one leg who was a champion salsa dancer. Well, the idea was to get him to be a champion.

Ian: How did he get on?

Jonti: Well he got the most points in the finals but he was disqualified because he didn't have matching shoes, having only one shoe you see.

Dawn: You know, I really feel that I could have healed him.

Ian: If he's lost a leg he can't grow it back.

Dawn: I mean I could have healed him spiritually.

They accidentally walk between a journalist (holding a video camera, tape recorder, or notepad) and an interviewee, interrupting the interview.

Interviewee: ...buffalo buffalo buffalo...

Ian: Well that won't help him walk.

Dawn: No, but it would help him dance.

Journalist (in background): Excuse me!

Jonti swings the camera round. We see someone holding a camera looking at Jonti. Jonti pans the camera round to see a surprised Interviewee.

Jonti: Ah. Sorry. I didn't realize you guys were there.

Jonti pans back to Dawn and Ian.

Jonti: Sorry, guys, I think we just interrupted…

Journalist (off-camera): What are you lot up to?

Dawn and Ian turn to speak to the Journalist.

Dawn: I am finding my long-lost family.

Ian: We are.

Dawn: All twenty seven of them.

Interviewee (incredulously): Twenty seven???

The Joneses turn to the Interviewee.

Dawn: Our father was a sperm donor.

Journalist: Tell me more.

Jonti: Hey, hey, hey, I have the exclusive rights to these guys' story!

Dawn gets out the piece of paper with the names on.

The journalist doesn't say anything.

Jonti: Right, then.

Jonti pans back to the Interviewee to steal them as The Joneses are being stolen from him.

Jonti: So what were you guys talking about?

Dawn: Their names are….

Interviewee: Well I am a leading morphological linguist and I was explaining Chomsky Grammars using the longest meaningful sentence in the English language that consists only of the repetition of one word: "Buffalo buffalo buffalo…"

Dawn is reading names.

Ian (to the Interviewee): Surely that's American?

Interviewee: "…buffalo", American English, yes. I'll have to start again now: "Buffalo buffalo…"

Ian: What's the longest sentence in proper English?

Interviewee: "…buffalo", um-

As the Interviewee pauses to think, Dawn reads out another name:

Dawn: [NAME]

Interviewee: What?

Dawn: I said [NAME].

Interviewee: That's *my* name…

Jonti pans to the Joneses for a reaction shot, then to the Journalist.

Jonti: Media rights. Mine.

Journalist: I was interviewing here first!

Jonti: I have seniority!

Journalist: You do not!

Jonti: I bloody well do!

Journalist: Look, let's be reasonable about this. Joint interview?

Jonti makes an exasperated noise. The camera nods then pans back to the Joneses and the Interviewee.

Ian: What about the buffalo?

Fade out.

[ The next episode would be an impromptu joint interview with the Journalist and Jonti fighting to ask ever more extreme questions until they work out that the Interviewee is a pathalogical liar and is neither a linguist, leading or otherwise, nor a Jones. ]

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