Ian's Date

Ian has a date.

Hotel room and restaurant in Europe. Love can strike anywhere.

Ian, Dawn, Jonti, Kristen, an attractive, mid-thirties foreign lady.

A hotel room. Ian is being fussed over by Dawn. He’s smarter than he’s looked for a while.

Tonight we’re pressing the pause button on our sibling search engine. Ian has got a date.

It’s not a date, it’s a rendezvous.

It’s you and a lady. It’s a date. You might want to uphold the family tradition and, you know, pass on a little sperm at the end of it. Make me an auntie. I’d like that.

Who is she Ian?

She’s a woman…

DAWN (interrupting)
She’s called Kristin. She’s Dutch I think. Or Danish. She’s Ian’s age, a little shorter than me, not as slim. Her hair’s messier than mine but it was windy. She had bags under her eyes but Danes do, don’t they? Tired faces from all that farming. There. Let’s go.

DAWN finishes primping IAN. He gets up, as does DAWN. IAN picks up his Bisto tin.

Dawn, are you going to accompany Ian on his date?

No, Ian. Leave the tin. You won’t need it.

But what about the…

They’re in your right hand pocket. But remember, 'Auntie Dawny' would suggest you don’t use them. If she’s clean. Check first. Visually.

DAWN and IAN prepare to leave.

Dawn, are you going to accompany Ian on his date?

Of course not, Jonti. This is Ian’s date. Ian’s ‘Ian-time’. Plus it’d be rude. I totally respect his privacy.

And you’d cramp my style.

Not true. No I’ll be sitting nearby. In case he needs me.



IAN is on the next table with KRISTEN. They’re eating pizzas. DAWN is watching them.

DAWN loudly
You alright Ian? Is that pizza warmed through enough?

Yes. Almost.

Only Kristen, he can’t stand food when it’s cold in the middle.

KRISTEN (trying bravely to be natural and fun)
Ah, so you don’t like ice cream?


IAN and KRISTEN go back to eating.

JONTI (so IAN and KRISTEN can’t hear)
So Dawn, how did IAN meet her?

DAWN (still looking at them)
Love always finds a way, Jonti. It’s the most natural thing in the world. I’m selflessly putting my own inner lustfulness on the back burner because this trip means everything to me, but Ian – he’s a man with male needs. It all gets backed up, even in people of his age. He got talking to Kristen about clogs at the open air shoe market and when she found out I was his sister she asked if he was single. He is. She asked if he was available tonight. He is. And she asked him out. And he is. Out with her.

DAWN looks across. They’re getting on well. IAN’s taken off his shoe and is showing her something in it. KRISTEN laughs.

Of course I had to vet her. You know. A few questions. I even checked her name against my list. The chances would be slim but you don’t want to have it off with a member of your own family by accident. Plus it’s illegal – even here.

KRISTEN has now taken off her rather tarty shoe and she and IAN are peering into it, their heads very close. Kristen is touching him quite a lot as well.

JONTI (lowering his voice)
Dawn, I know you vetted her but you don’t think she might be…

I know. The self-same thought has just occurred to me. I didn’t think for a moment they’d ply their trade at an open-air shoe market in the daytime. I mean the smell would put you off… Oh no! And I told him not to bother with protection if he didn’t feel like it! Stay here.

DAWN goes over, to where KRISTEN is still canoodling archly with a sweating IAN. She interrupts and talks into KRISTEN’s ear. IAN picks at the crust of his pizza. The middle has remained uneaten.

No! How dare you! NO! NO!

She stands abruptly and angrily breaks out in rapid Dutch/Danish. She then storms out crying loudly. A busy, plate-laden waiter moves past.

She says she is not a common whore or prostitute making a pact with this man for payment sex. She says she is a teacher. Her husband died one year ago and only now she feels able to date other men.

I… you… Only a year ago? I’ve done you a big favour, Ian. She hasn’t got over it. She’s damaged goods. That was close. That could have been nasty.

What’s happened? Has she gone?

KRISTEN limps back in, still sobbing.

Told you. She’s come to say sorry.

KRISTEN goes under the table and emerges with her shoe. She looks at DAWN as she puts it on, then takes out her purse and dumps a pile of Euros on the table. She then walks out quietly with as much dignity as she can muster. Just as she gets outside we hear her burst into wails again.

DAWN (looking at the money)
That’s not enough.

IAN (counting it)
It’s not even half. And the waiter will need a tip. All that translating.

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