Ian Rants


Car parked at petrol station forecourt. Dawn re-enters car, hands Ian a bulging plastic bag.

Dawn: Don’t fill up on M&M’s o.k? We’ll be stopping for dinner soon.

Ian nods, rifles through plastic bag.

Dawn: Oh and I want to read those magazines first….it’s a thing I have.

Ian: What’s this?

Ian holds up a paperback “I’m Ryanair: Michael O’Leary – The Autobiography”

Dawn: They were giving it out free with every petrol purchase.

Ian: I don’t believe this.

Dawn: What? At least it will take your mind off the car journey.

Ian: Oh it already has.

Dawn: What’s wrong with you?

Ian: Nothing!

Dawn: Oh Ian, everyone has their bad budget airline experience, it’s like seafood, you shouldn’t, but you always do. Anyway I like flying Ryanair.

Ian: What? What? Modelled on a muddled American model of low costs and high profits or what unions call industrial rape. Planes actually engendered with the spirit of claustrophobia, a playmobil airline. The Walter Mitty of direct flights, Glagow Prestwick, what next Glasgow Belfast? The Irish; the revisionist cartographers of the sky, the colonial overlords of British airspace, punishing us for 900 years of spousal abuse….And the Lord Lieutenant himself, Mr Michael O’Leary, the only Icarus you would begrudge flame retardant wings…and you bought his autobiography.

Dawn: It was free.

Ian: You accepted his autobiography, his autobiography, less interesting than the blackbox recovered from an aborted takeoff that decelerated gently into a meadow full of Sika deer that were high on Autumn grass….I hate all budget airlines; the only people to find a silver lining out of 9/11, wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if they had put 9/11 out to tender.

Dawn: Ian, you’re scaring me.

Ian: Sorry….Come to think of it I hate all airlines…if they’re not over gorged on the trough of state handouts, then they’re issuing profit warnings between trough visits. And then there’s the environmental catastrophe that is the airline industry, urghh…

Dawn: Is that why you don’t travel anywhere?

Ian: Dawn what happened to just saying put in A, what’s the big attraction with B,C,D and E?

Dawn: You can recite the alphabet all you like, but you know what? I will always fly budget, know why?

Ian: No.

Dawn: Cos budget airlines offer us working and middle classes an escape clause and that Mon Frere is worth the eradication of cloudless skies.

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