Ian and Dawn are outside a Café in [insert country]. They are talking to camera to Jonti.
[Coughs] We had to get out of there it was just too smoky, now I’m not a killjoy but that was just too much! It’s playing havoc with his Asthma [to Ian] are you okay Ian? Look at his eyes! We’ll see if we can get some Eye wash [picks up phrase book, flicks through] “[insert language]” “Have you any Eye wash?” We’ll get some of that Ian, here have a tissue.
Ian takes the tissue and wipes his eyes
That’s better,[To Jonti] I used to be a smoker and I know how hard it is to give up, they’ve got all these warnings on them, “Smoking Kills” smoking causes this. smoking causes that, but it doesn’t work. You know what they need to put on cigarette packets don’t you?
A sticker with Twenty four pound ninety nine, and not a pound sign, two, four, dot, nine, nine like spelled out “Twenty four pound ninety nine”
And Shopkeepers should by law have to pronounce it longer
“How much are those cigarettes mate?”
“Oh those they’re Tweeeeeenty fooooour pooooound niiiiinety niiiine”
Any shopkeeper who doesn’t do this should be fined. If they don’t do that they’re just as bad as the ones that sell to kiddies.
They can’t say it quickly [said quickly] “twenty four ninety nine”
Because that sounds like nothing to the man on the street.
“[Said quickly] Oh twenty four ninety nine? Is that all give me two packs”
Don’t scare them with death, scare them financially, hit them in the pocket. How much are cigarettes Ian?
Ian is still wiping his eyes and wheezing
I don’t know I’ve never smoked
You were a good lad. what about down the park? Having a crafty [Dawn mimes smoking a cigarette mimicing Jack from On the Buses] "Put y' fags out Blakies coming!" [chuckles to herself]
No, though my Grandad (wheeze) used to give me the collectors cards out of his cigarette packets. [Ian smiles remembering nice times]
Aw, so you've never?
Dawn is making Ian talk despite his trouble breathing.
Not even a sly drag at a party? [mimes smoking again]
No (points to chest) Asthma..
Is it like an allergy then?
No, I (wheeze) Got it off my Dad. It's (wheeze) genetic.
But your Dad's not your Dad.
Ian stops wheezing. Looks surprised. Tries a couple of deep breaths without trouble.
Hm. Psychosomatic. Dawn.
Ian stares into space
I’ve just realised something.
My Grandad's not my Grandad.
Ian pinches the bridge of his nose and starts to weep silently Dawn places hand on Ians shoulder looks to the camera and gestures for Jonti to stop filming using cut throat mime