Cameron vs. Brown
INT: PARKED CAR
Surreal normality returns to the journey following the burial of their murdered brother Carston Whelks. Both Ian and Dawn have become embittered to all around them. Ian reads the Guardian, while Dawn immerses herself in O.K magazine.
IAN: There’s talk of Gordon Brown calling a snap election…look.
Ian shows Dawn the headline. She glances at the broadsheet.
DAWN: About time.
DAWN: The sooner David Cameron gets in the better.
IAN: Are you serious?
DAWN: Of course, he’s a digital politician for a digital age.
IAN: What crap….So when you press the red button do you jettison half the Conservative party.
DAWN: Ha, ha, very funny. I just don’t trust someone who dislocates his jaw every time he resurfaces for air.
IAN: You shallow cow…well, well, following David Cameron is like bird watching, all the bald eagles screeching disparagingly in the background as his right wing is clipped. Mr Cameron; only surviving by the murder of crows he surrounds himself with. Whetting his beak in Thatchershite while nibbling on Blairseed.
DAWN: Oh yeah, well, well Gordon Brown’s great isn’t he, the Robbie Bruce of Tax, listening to David Milliband while he shoots fine strands of silk out his arse. The foreign office; one big failed cobweb, if at first you don’t succeed, blame Geoff Hoon. Oh and by the way the SNP want their wet nurse back, so toodle-oo.
IAN: How dare you…..Well, well, David Cameron the, the, the green cyclist, the Floyd Landis of politics, so pumped full of drugs he appoints William Hague shadow foreign secretary. The only reason teddy ruxpin wants to hug a hoodie is to score an ounce and drink a fifth on a stairwell….so there.
DAWN: Unbelievable, so short-sighted….Well, Gordon Brown was just Blair’s Dick Cheny, at least Dick Cheny had a solution to the pension crisis – shoot the elderly…Mr De Facto, a man so repulsive Cherie Blair woke up each morning despairing “GORDON’S ALIVE”.
IAN: That’s funny, cos you’re not the first person to mistake Cherie for Brian Blessed.
DAWN: You’re just afraid of change.
IAN: Me? You’re supporting the bloody Conservative party – Euro-sceptic central. It amazes me how 99.9% of the Conservative party are Euro-sceptic, it’s a bit late now or have they been around so long that having first witnessed the Pangea seismic break-up they know something we don’t and are awaiting patiently for the time when Cornwall will nestle snugly up Cape Cod’s ass.
DAWN: Are you finished yet?
IAN: No, no I’m not, and if there’s any justice in this world the coming months will bring the headline; Baroness Thatcher goes Euro-Septic – Baroness Thatcher was admitted to hospital today in Strasbourg after a yet to be located boil went septic…Now I’m finished, now I’m finished.