2008 08 29

Pat pending:
IAN, DAWN AND MJK ARE SITTING ON THE GRASS HAVING A CHAT
MJK: So Ian what do you think you might do after all this is over then.
IAN: Well I could go back to the shop depends really.
DAWN: You’ve got some patents pending haven’t you Ian.
IAN: Yeah.
DAWN: It’s his dream, Michael it really is. I think with this man’s genius and with the right financial backing world hunger could be a thing of the past. Ian show him the blue prints you were showing me the other day.
IAN GETS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET WITH SOME RUDIMENTARY DRAWINGS ON IT
MJK: So what is this Ian? (POINTING TO SOMETHING ON THE PAGE)
IAN: Oh that is Africa and that is North America.
MJK: And what about these lines here?
IAN: Oh that is an undersea tunnel.
MJK: So you are suggesting building a tunnel between the western side of Africa and the Eastern side of the United States.
DAWN: The thing is Michael, (to Ian) you don’t mind me explaining for you do you Ian?
IAN: No no you carry on.
DAWN: The thing is Michael that the technology is already available this sort of thing has already been done, albeit on a slightly smaller scale. The drill bits that were used to cut the channel tunnel are just sitting there in museums in and around Folkestone. I’ve seen them with my own eyes.
MJK: So you are suggesting digging a tunnel between Africa and America under the Atlantic ocean?
DAWN: It surprises me that no one else has thought of it, don’t you think?
MJK: Isn’t the atlantic about 7000 miles across.
DAWN: OK so it’s a long way, but this is precisely why the tunnel is the only solution I mean you wouldn’t expect a child to swim it would you? Well would you?
MJK: No it is probably too far to swim?
DAWN: I mean David Walliams is probably the best swimmer in the world at the moment but even he limits his athletic feats to the English Channel. Many people in developing nations have probably never even been to the seaside never mind done their bronze swimming awards.
MJK: So let’s say you could build the tunnel then what?
DAWN: Well then people in need, in their own time could pitch up in America collect some food, in their own time It would take them a while, and then take it back home. All the bags of food aid at the moment, i’ve seen it on the telly numerous times, always has ‘produce of the USA’ stamped on the side and it gets sent out there by aeroplane. Think of the carbon foot print and how guilty it must be making these poor people feel.
IAN: Give a man a fish feed him for a day, teach a man to fish feed him for much longer than a day.
DAWN: Exactly Ian. You are simply helping people to help themselves, literally.
MJK: So why do you need a patent.
DAWN: Well we want to get in there before other doogooders like Halliwell or Heather Mills come up with the idea.
MJK: Is this how you see it going Ian?
IAN: Well I was thinking more of maybe using a chain of mules to take it, since the gold rush has ended mules have had a bit of a barren patch, thought this might give them a purpose in life again.
DAWN: See Ian that is brilliant. The way he just comes up with stuff like that, amazing, it’s instant (DAWN RUBS HIS CHEEK).
MJK: You said you had patents in the pipeline so what else.
IAN GETTING MORE SHEETS FROM HIS BACK POCKET
IAN: Erm well this one is using wet discarded cardigans from Oxfam stitched into an enormous blanket to be draped over areas of land known to contain land mines.
DAWN: That’s another one Heather would like to get her mits on if she could. Carry on Ian.
IAN: This is to show how you can glue painted discarded pop bottles together to make a light, spacious, earthquake proof dwelling.
DAWN: Eases the burden on land fill you see Michael and it is extremely light, more nomadic tribes could probably pick up their dwelling and carry it with them.
MJK: Well good luck with all of that then Ian.
IAN: Thank you.
The end.
Dale Griffiths.

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