DAWN and IAN meet an irritating sibling called Karen.
A park in Germany.
DAWN, IAN, MICHAEL, KAREN HEIDER, an outlandishly-dressed, flamboyant young German lady.
Karen? Karen Heider?
I’ve got some news for you.
This is a good starting point. What can it be I wonder? Has someone cured hepatitis B? Ha ha.
Erm, would you like to sit down?
Physical action. Good. How about this?
KAREN does a stupid pratfall from a park bench. She lies on the ground, grotesquely still.
Your dad’s not your dad. You’re dad’s a sperm donor.
I am dead. The fall killed me. Look. I am a ghost.
Ian, you try.
Hello! Guten tag!
Ah! Auf Deutsch! [She rattles off some over dramatic Shakespeare in German]
We’re not making a comedy show. It’s a documentary. In English.
Documentary? Like on Discovery? About buildings that fall down?
Or, or Hitler. Yes.
KAREN (to MICHAEL)
This is my best side. [Sings] Grease is the word, grease is the feeling!
Listen, your dad isn’t your dad. You were spermed out into a cup.
Or a jar. By the same man who fathered both of us.
So I am not human. Is this the truth?
You are human. Just not born of normal sex.
Normal sexual intercourse, she means. Your sex is probably normal. From what I can see.
KAREN (sounding like Gollum or the Emperor from Star Wars)
Humans. I have captured your souls. I have created an army of robots, just south of here in a farm outbuilding. Fear me.
I don’t think you’re getting this. Who’s your father Karen?
Ha! Bertold Brecht. Father of…
No it wasn’t. It was a sperm donor.
KAREN (to IAN)
You, old woman – you’ve poisoned the town. Where are my guards?
KAREN grabs at IAN
IAN (brandishing Eeenie Mancini’s geology hammer)
Get off me! Phone your dad!
Brilliant, Ian. Phone your dad, Karen.
KAREN does a huge fake laugh then abruptly stops the overacting and pulls out a mobile.
She speaks in German. Totally calmly and normally. It’s an utter change from her manicness. She finishes her conversation, looks at DAWN and IAN and slumps onto the bench.
Was that your dad?
KAREN nods. Then she starts crying. It’s loud and annoying. She looks up at IAN (still with hammer raised) and DAWN. Her makeup has run.
DAWN and IAN watch her. She shudders and gasps in her angst.
Oh this is useless.
Yeah. Fancy a drink?
I’m up for that.
DAWN (loudly over KAREN’s tears)
We’ll find you when you’ve grown up a little, love.
DAWN and IAN leave. MICHAEL films the inconsolable KAREN a little longer.
DAWN (calling from the gate)
CAMERA IS SWITCHED OFF