2008 08 15

SYNOPSIS
DAWN and IAN meet an irritating sibling called Karen.

LOCATION
A park in Germany.

CAST
DAWN, IAN, MICHAEL, KAREN HEIDER, an outlandishly-dressed, flamboyant young German lady.

DAWN
Karen? Karen Heider?

KAREN
Yes! Filming!

DAWN
I’ve got some news for you.

KAREN
This is a good starting point. What can it be I wonder? Has someone cured hepatitis B? Ha ha.

DAWN
Erm, would you like to sit down?

KAREN
Physical action. Good. How about this?

KAREN does a stupid pratfall from a park bench. She lies on the ground, grotesquely still.

DAWN
Your dad’s not your dad. You’re dad’s a sperm donor.

KAREN
I am dead. The fall killed me. Look. I am a ghost.

DAWN
Ian, you try.

IAN
Hello! Guten tag!

KAREN
Ah! Auf Deutsch! [She rattles off some over dramatic Shakespeare in German]

IAN
We’re not making a comedy show. It’s a documentary. In English.

KAREN
Documentary? Like on Discovery? About buildings that fall down?

IAN
Or, or Hitler. Yes.

KAREN (to MICHAEL)
This is my best side. [Sings] Grease is the word, grease is the feeling!

IAN
Listen, your dad isn’t your dad. You were spermed out into a cup.

DAWN
Or a jar. By the same man who fathered both of us.

KAREN
So I am not human. Is this the truth?

DAWN
You are human. Just not born of normal sex.

IAN
Normal sexual intercourse, she means. Your sex is probably normal. From what I can see.

KAREN (sounding like Gollum or the Emperor from Star Wars)
Humans. I have captured your souls. I have created an army of robots, just south of here in a farm outbuilding. Fear me.

DAWN
I don’t think you’re getting this. Who’s your father Karen?

KAREN
Ha! Bertold Brecht. Father of…

DAWN
No it wasn’t. It was a sperm donor.

KAREN (to IAN)
You, old woman – you’ve poisoned the town. Where are my guards?

KAREN grabs at IAN

IAN (brandishing Eeenie Mancini’s geology hammer)
Get off me! Phone your dad!

DAWN
Brilliant, Ian. Phone your dad, Karen.

KAREN does a huge fake laugh then abruptly stops the overacting and pulls out a mobile.

She speaks in German. Totally calmly and normally. It’s an utter change from her manicness. She finishes her conversation, looks at DAWN and IAN and slumps onto the bench.

DAWN (tenderly)
Was that your dad?

KAREN nods. Then she starts crying. It’s loud and annoying. She looks up at IAN (still with hammer raised) and DAWN. Her makeup has run.

DAWN and IAN watch her. She shudders and gasps in her angst.

DAWN
Oh this is useless.

IAN
Yeah. Fancy a drink?

MICHAEL
I’m up for that.

DAWN (loudly over KAREN’s tears)
We’ll find you when you’ve grown up a little, love.

DAWN and IAN leave. MICHAEL films the inconsolable KAREN a little longer.

DAWN (calling from the gate)
You coming?

MICHAEL
Yeah.

CAMERA IS SWITCHED OFF

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