2008 08 10

Out of the frying pan……… ?

(PLEASE NOTE THIS CONTINUES ON FROM SINISTER UNDERTONES)
THE COMIC DUO ARE SAT OUTSIDE THE SAME COFFEE SHOP. THEY HAVE A COPY OF A LOCAL PAPER INFRONT OF THEM. IAN IS SIFTING THROUGH THE PAPER HURRIEDLY AND GETTING A LITTLE FRUSTRATED

Ian: It’s all adverts, this is no good.

DAWN IS STOOD BEHIND IAN LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER

Dawn: Well what do you expect from a local paper, news?… Wow did you see that dress turn back a page Ian.

Ian: Dawn I don’t think you need any more clothes.

Dawn: Shall we paint some more of your roll playing figures then?

IAN TURNS BACK THE PAGE

Dawn: Yeah look at that, get a close up on this Jonti now that is what I call a gorgeous bit of clobber. Reminds me of one I used to wear to the Edge in Coventry back in the 90s, DJ Logjammer Groove Myster Slim.

IAN SPOTS AN ARTICLE ON THE OPPOSITE PAGE

Ian: Aha here it is. Tourists mugged in the centre of Florence.

Dawn: Ian how are you able to translate this, you said you couldn’t speak Italian.

Ian: I can’t speak or write Italian I can only translate it into English.

Jonti: That’s weird, but convenient for the plot line.

IAN LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA AND SMILES SARCASTICALLY

Ian: It says there seemed to be a gang of at least six muggers. Two or three assailants held the victims face down while the others riffled through their pockets. One victim Lorenzo, a local sculptor had the following to say:
‘ They were all over me in a flash. I feared for my life. Within a minute they were gone. They left all my credit cards and money scattered over the floor. They didn’t even take my Rolex. I had only popped out for a quick ghepardo insalate.’

Dawn: What’s a ghepardo insalate?

Jonti: Ask Ian, he can translate it for us?

Ian: It is Italian fast food. It literally means Cheetah salad.

Dawn: Sounds horrible.

Ian: (CONTINUING TO READ THE ARTICLE) Only one of the victims seemed to get away without suffering the humiliation of being pinned to the ground and violated. Daleonzo from Piza, the European and Commonwealth kickboxing champion since 1975 was jumped by eight hoodlums. He took out three of the masked thugs with a spinning back axe kick before making his escape.

Dawn: Hey they were both in the parade of men, this gang must have been after the autographs. Daleonzo was the muscular chap with the green t-shirt and the baby.

Jonti: What the bald stocky guy with glasses? He looked a bit too old to me to be performing spinning axe kicks.

Dawn: Well facially yes he did look a bit haggard but then Charles Bronson was knocking on in the last few Death Wish films. And David Carradine was playing Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu well into his late thirties stroke early forties.

Ian: Now that was a superb show.

Jonti: I loved it. It was even better than fantasy Island.

Dawn: (DOES THE VOICE) The plane, the plane.

IAN CONTINUES WITH THE ARTICLE

Ian: Listen to this, ‘Police are looking for, what appears to be, a documentary film crew thought to have talked to the victims just hours before the attacks took place’.

Dawn: What? I don’t believe this, I don’t believe this Ian. So just to recap on the people we need to avoid 1) Carston people 2) the thugs who no doubt want to get this bag of useless autographs back 3) the entire Italian police force.

Jonti: They probably just want to eliminate you from their enquiries.

Dawn: Ian I love you, I love you as a brother. But I’m not taking the fall for this Ian. I wouldn’t last five minutes in an Italian prison. With my blond hair and blue eyes I’d fall prey to the Latin equivalent of Franky Doyle from prisoner cell block H. You need to go to the police and straighten this out. Tell them everything. Then I think we need to leave this place and quick. You need to shave off that beard and I need to re-accessorise. The mobsters will be looking for a guy with a beard and a girl with a Versace necklace, I need to change my whole look.

Ian: But I’ve only just taken you clothes shopping.

Dawn: I feel like I’ve stepped into a Tarantino movie and I’ll tell you both something I’m not losing an ear for anyone. How would I keep my sunglasses on?

FADE OUT
FADE IN

IAN IS COMING OUT OF THE POLICE STATION

Ian: Well that’s all that sorted.

Dawn: It’s all sorted? We aren’t going to be charged or even questioned?

Ian: No, it’s all sorted. I feel calm, like David Carradine at the end of each episode. All I need now is to whittle my own penny whistle.

Dawn: You should stop doing that Ian, I read that it can give you seizures.

Jonti: So it is all sorted now Ian?

Ian: Yep. I handed over the bag of autographs. Autographs are a real dirty business over here mainly because they are much easier to fake than bank notes.

Jonti: You were only in there five minutes.

Ian: Lets just say I had something else the chief commissioner was interested in.

Jonti: You bribed a police chief?

Ian: He asked to search my tin and stumbled across my copy in Italian of the advanced D and D game book series starting at the super endless quest.

Dawn: You had that in your tin.

Ian: Only on microfiche.

FADE OUT
FADE IN

IT’S PITCH BLACK IN DAWN AND IAN’S HOTEL ROOM (I MEAN COMPLETELY BLACK).THEY ARE SHARING A TWIN ROOM.( IT COULD JUST AS EASILY BE SET IN THEIR CAR WITH A LITTLE TWEAKING OF THE DIALOGUE).

DAWN SNEEZES.

THIS CONVERSATION IS WHISPERED (BASED ON A CONVERSATION FROM KUNG FU).

Ian: Bless you.

Dawn: Thank you. Ian you’re awake.

Ian: Yes.

Dawn: You did well today Ian, really well.

Ian: Thank you.

Dawn: It’s pitch black tonight. I can’t see a think can you?

Ian: You think I can not see?

Dawn: Of all things to constantly live in darkness must be the worst.

Ian: Fear is the only darkness.

Dawn: It’s very quiet as well tonight isn’t it.

Ian: What can you hear Dawn?

Dawn: I think I can hear the water?

Ian: That is probably the cistern filling up, I had to go earlier. What else?

Dawn: I think I can hear a few birds outside.

Ian: Can you hear your own heartbeat.

Dawn: No. Ian how is it that you hear these things?

Ian: How is it that you do not? Can you hear the grasshopper at your feet.

Dawn: What?

Ian: I said can you not hear the grasshopper at your feet?

DAWN NOW SPEAKING LOUDLY

Dawn: A grasshopper! I hate creepy crawlies, Ian turn the lights on turn the lights on quick.

CRASHING SOUND AS DAWN FALLS OUT OF BED TO GET AWAY FROM THE GRASSHOPPER.

THE END.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 License.