2008 08 01

A CAT JAMMED IN YOUR HEAD

SYNOPSIS
DAWN and IAN arrive in Munich hot on the trail of another sibling.

LOCATION
Driving into Munich.

DAWN and IAN drive into the modern Bavarian city along an autobahn glistening with expensive cars, past flash, stylish buildings.

DAWN
This is the capital of Germany. Munich. Where it all started.

IAN
Hitler. The Third Reich. Goebbels. The biggest war mankind has ever…

DAWN
Where my love affair with Germany started, Ian. I was 15. School trip. Coventry to Dresden. To repair old wounds. Although it has to be said, they’ve repaired Dresden better that we’ve done with Coventry. In some ways we’ve made Coventry worse.

IAN
It feels safe here. I don’t know why, but Spain started to feel a bit…

DAWN
Unsafe? Like something bad was going to happen? I felt it too, Ian. Our psychic link again, bab. No, Germany is very safe. They’re very emotional people, Ian. You’d like them.

IAN
A German kept coming into the shop. I didn’t like him. He wanted cap badges. Then he wanted knives. He kept coming back. Eventually he asked us for nightsights.

DAWN
But he was loyal, though. Never thought of going elsewhere. They’re loyal people. And they’re in touch with their green side. They do more recycling here than anyone else in the world. If there was another war, they could mobilise an entire army without raising their carbon footprint. They think ahead, the Germans.

JONTI
Who are we looking for, Dawn?

DAWN
Sophie Huber

JONTI
A girl?

DAWN
Tsk. Sophie’s a male name in German, Jonti.

IAN
She is a girl.

DAWN
It’s both. Male and female. Like Hilary or Naomi. No, we’ll find her easily. They’re very organised people here. It’s a cliché but they are very organised. And they can’t do enough to help English people. They’re kind and sober. So tonight we’ll have a night off, and tomorrow we’ll find Sophie.

IAN
Who’s a girl. A German girl. Do you think she’s have unshaved armpits, Dawn?

DAWN
Firstly, that’s a racialist preconception I won’t let you make and secondly look at your face. You’re not one to be glibly bandying slurs about not shaving, Ian. Attend to your own eyesight before looking at other peoples. Germans are the cleanest, gentlest people in the new Europe. Bodyhair is not a warcrime here. Hate is. Remember that.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

Night. A riotous bar. DAWN and IAN are drunk and surrounded by new, drunk, happy German friends. Lots of toasting and goodnatured beer spillage.

IAN
I’ve had… drunk. Wow.

DAWN
Letting off steam.

IAN
Steaming.

DAWN
See, Ian? Lovely, lovely people. These people could teach the Spanish a lesson.

IAN (hiccuping)
Yes. And they did try.

DAWN is being flirted with shamelessly. Such is the jostling in the bar that she gets slowly separated from IAN and JONTI. A gang surround her, having fun. IAN is left alone at the table. On it are dozens of half drunk beer glasses. IAN looks around and stolidly starts into them.

JONTI
You alright Ian?

IAN
Yeah. Dawn’s having the time of her night.

JONTI
What about you?

IAN
I needed to get off my mind. But I think I should save Dawn.

DAWN is indeed now surrounded by men, doing a drinking game.

IAN
I’m not sure I totally trust Germany. I mean look at their track record.

JONTI
Erm, shush.

IAN
I will not erm shush. It needs to be said. One. They switched their position on EU software patents in 2004! Two. They’re lukewarm to a revamped EU constitution. And three…

IAN looks up. A pretty German girl in a sleeveless top is standing over him, smiling.

IAN (in awe)
Armpits. [He gulps] Hello. It’s a long shot but are you Sophie?

GIRL
No. Do you want me to be?

IAN
Yes. No. Er, yes but only if you mean it. We’d prolly need DNA and stuff. I’d be better if you weren’t. Easier.

GIRL
I’m not Sophie, I’m Annabel. I’d quite like to buy you a drink please. If you’d like one.

IAN looks at the table. We do too. He’s completely finished the vast amount of beer we saw earlier.

IAN
It’d be nice. Ha ha, Annabel necessary on a bicycle? Oh she’s gone.

JONTI
She’s coming back. Ian, I’m going to sit over there.

FADE OUT AND IN

IAN and ANNABEL laughing. IAN is miming bizarre things and ANNABEL laughs and does too. We see DAWN, still surrounded by admirers, looking over. Jealousy and almost motherly pride.

FADE OUT

FADE IN
Hotel room. Morning. It’s still dark in the curtained room.

DAWN’s silhouette speaks.
Oh. This is a right cat jammer. What the Germans call a hangover. Like having a cat jammed in your head. Hence the name. German is an English language at heart.

JONTI
Did you have a good night, Dawn?

DAWN
We did. Ian was won over. He saw the side of these people I have loved since I was 15. They’re not as sober as they were, but frankly who in Europe is? But they’re thoughtful, kind and caring. I didn’t buy a drink all night. Ian did, but I’ll pay him back. I’ll pay you back, Ian. My share at least. He had loads. Oh and he made a friend. A rather pretty young Frau. Ian? She see you back safely bab? He’s got the homing instinct of a ferret, bless him. Ian?

DAWN open the curtain and gasps. Ian’s tin sits forlornly on his unslept-in bed. Of Ian himself there is no sign.

amanda kate says: enjoyed the above - v. funny. Just wondering if the team will try and avoid another bar/drinking episode. Wouldn't it be funny if Ian fell for a Rosa Klebb type woman (I know she was Russian but hey ho allow me to be stereotypical). A Rosa who plays a mean game of Dungeons and Dragons? Forgive my ignorance but is that the game Ian is constantly referring to?

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