2007 07 16

WE’RE BEING FOLLOWED

A café on a square in a European town. Day. IAN and DAWN sit with pastries.

IAN
Dawn. I don’t want to scare you.

DAWN
It’s too late for that. But my love for you must be unconditional. And time is a great healer.

IAN
No, I don’t want to scare you but I think we’re being followed.

DAWN (mischievously)
Jonti, I think Ian’s just noticed you.

IAN
This is serious. I think my dad – my shop dad might be trailing us.

DAWN
What? Why?

IAN
He’s quite attached to me. And nobody else knows all the Warhammer siege weapon categories. And I’ve got this.

IAN rummages in the Bisto tin. He extracts a credit card.

IAN
There wasn’t time to plan financially. It’s his credit card. I haven’t used it.

DAWN
Ian, they can trace these. They’re like mobile phones. He’ll know exactly where we are!

IAN
There’s been a car following us.

DAWN
We’ll face him. We’ve faced worse.

IAN
You don’t know what he’s like. He’s got an encyclopaedic military knowledge.

DAWN
Well you know about elves. Use that against him.

IAN
He’s got a temper, Dawn. And a shop full of weaponry. Some real.

DAWN
Face him, Ian. You’ve never run away from anything in your life before. Use elven magic if you must, but face him. This is your battle.

IAN hugs the Bisto tin miserably.

JONTI
Ian, have you got a plus five broadsword in that tin?

Across the square an ominous black car pulls up menacingly behind DAWN’s car. IAN and DAWN stare at it.

IAN
That’s the car.

DAWN
Face him, Ian. Your sperm history is your shield. Show me your fists.

IAN
No.

DAWN
It’s your theatre of warfare, Ian. No-one else can do this for you. Do it.

IAN
No.

DAWN
I’ll do it.

DAWN grabs the credit card and strides over to the car. Jonti zooms in, filming at range from the safety of his café seat. We hear DAWN’s raised voice, addressing the unseen occupant of the car through its partially opened window. Snippets drift across.

DAWN
…no legal hold on him… doesn’t care about Warhammer… not your ejaculate…

IAN (quietly)
I do care about Warhammer.

DAWN flings the credit card through the car’s window and stalks back, trying to hide her triumphant smile. The car drives off rapidly as DAWN sits down.

DAWN
There. We Joneses stuck together in the sperm bank and we stick together in the outside world. Fight one and you fight all twenty-seven.

A car, vaguely similar to the one DAWN harangued, drives up and slows as it passes them in the café.

IAN
Actually that’s the car.

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