2007 06 28

Synopsis

Hitcher

They pick up a really fat hitchhiker because Ian feels sorry for him after they get some directions from him to their next location. Wow it is amazing how you can get such a large person in the car. Their fellow traveler is a person of few words other than his copious wind he is almost silent…The wind effects their journey. They use the great aircon to evacuate the smells, Ian gets technical,philosophical and scientific with talk of physics external airflow and aerodynamics and Dawn wonders what gene he has to make him so windy and what happen to all the methane in the atmosphere. The man continues to even guff odiously and repeatedly in his sleep they try and loose him at a service station.. Ian baits him with massive greasy lunch he reluctantly succumbs and as people faint around him, they flee.

Location
HOLLAND
Activity
much aircon use
Script

Theypass a Hitchhiker in a town he is very very large, will he fit in their car? His carboard sign says some obscure place.

IAN
he might help, go on stop stop!

DAWN
Oh Come on he probably a psycho killer

IAN
Just cos he's fat does not mean he's mad Dawn you might have a fat gene somewhere lurking.

DAWN huffs they pull over. Ian looks back at the fat man running in slo mo at the car.

IAN
He's a hitcher he probably knows the way

DAWN
OK.

The man is now at the window

IAN
hello,

MAN
Heellooo (with a strong accent)

he obviously has really bad breath

IAN
Can you tell me the way to xxxxxx

The man nods

IAN
How?

The man smiles and points.

IAN
This way?

MAN
Yeeees…(he points) theeese way (he obviously does not understand a word Ian is saying)

IAN (to Dawn)
This way. Ok good.. THANK YOU! (Ian speaks to him like he is really stupid)

The man Holds his sign up - obviously he is leading Ian to where he wants to go?

MAN
Thaaank yooou, thaaaank you pleas.

IAN
OK.. THANK YOU… Don't you think we should help him out? Good Karma and all that..

DAWN
ONCE! Only…

The man leaps in…they drive..and it begins.

He fills the back seat looming over them smiling and smelling. The first guff comes loud and boisterous. Dawn goes pale Ian smiles faintly.Dawn opens the window.

The man starts to doze off with a smile on his face and guffs again loudly. Ian swithces the aircon on..

DAWN
erhh this is unbeliveable what has he been eating.

IAN
if you use the nozzles an air con correctlly we could get a nice flow going you direct the air in the right way.

The Man looks at the Jonti and his camera

MAN

What is this, for holiday?…[To Camera] Hello friends of blue car people, we are having lovely time! [Waves to Camera]

DAWN

[Speak in that way all british tourists do] We are making a documentary.

MAN:

Documenetary?

DAWN:

Jonti is our camera man

MAN:

Camera man? [points to camera] you. Cool ..[waves at camera] Hello Mum.

DAWN:

we are searching for Joneses

MAN:

Ah, Jones, Tom Jones very good! Whas new pussy cat? wooo wooo woo woh.

DAWN:

No, we are looking for our brothers and sisters our Dad was a sperm donor

MAN:

Sperm?

DAWN

[Goes through all the different languages she's learnt "sperm" in.

MAN:

Ah, Sperma!

DAWN:

[Excitedly] Yes, Sperma [to Jonti] I knew it would come in useful!

The Man looks sad

MAN:

I have none lady, I run out. [ he looks sadly to his crotch]

Man Guffs

Dawn turns the air con up. Ian readjusts the angle tutting at DAWN checking the airflow angle aircon blowers to crotch coefficent.

DAWN:

[To Ian] Nice one Ian now we have a man who thinks I want his sperm, I knew we shouldn't have picked him up.

IAN:

Karma

DAWN:

[Sarcasticaly] Yes Ian, Karma.aircon insert

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