2007 06 26


Ian notices that there is a slight tinge of ginger to Dawn’s hair. He is horrified, he has a serious phobia about ginger hair (the cause of which will unfold). Denial follows, but is Dawn harbouring a titian secret? If so what proportion of the twenty seven could also be afflicted and how will Ian cope?




Hotel Proprietor


(Dawn and Ian are driving across the border into Holland, they have just been though border control, shown their passports and been told to have a safe trip in Holland. Dawn is singing Tulips from Amsterdam……..)

IJ: Where are we?

DJ: Guess

IJ: Kent?

DJ: What makes you say that?

IJ: I can smell flowers

DJ: They have flowers in quite a few places, what sort of flowers can you smell?

IJ: Not sure…..dandelions?

DJ: Try again

IJ: Daisy’s?

DJ: Think big Ian, I’ve just got to pull in for a bra change while you have a little think about it.

(pulls into services)

IJ: Why do you need to change your bra?

DJ: Don’t want people thinking don’t change my underwear do I?!

IJ: Do you know many people in Kent then?

DJ: We’re not in……oh forget it……….you never know who you might see do you. I’ll be five minutes, now you have a think about that smell and see if you can work out where we are.

(Five minutes pass, Ian spots a ginger man filling up his car and starts scratching the side of his face)

DJ: So…(Dawn gets back in car and pulls off)……..thought about that smell, thought about the flowers? Worked out where we are yet?

IJ: Can’t think of any flowers that smell of petrol to be honest.

DJ: I give up

IJ: Your hair looks a bit gingery in this light

DJ: don’t be silly (flushes)

IJ: must have been a mysterious trick of the light, good job too, I am allergic to ginger hair.

DJ: (awkward look)

Scene Two

Dawn and Ian pull up outside a hotel by a canal in Amsterdam.

DJ: Here we are then, like it?

IJ: Very nice, I need the toilet, must be all this water (in the canal)

DJ: Could be the fact that you just drank a 2 litre bottle of sprite in one go

IJ: Its thirsty work this

DJ: What is

IJ: Jones hunting

DJ: Technically your Jones hunting thus far equates to you sitting in the passenger seat clutching a globe, but I’m sure you’ll come into your own at some point.

IJ: Quite right, you sure you’re not ginger.

DJ: Hush now oh brother of mine and lets go and check in

(Dawn hugs Ian around the waist as they walk into the hotel)

Hotel Owner: Welkom (welcome)

DJ: Welkom to you too

HO: erm thankyou, have you a booking?

IJ: What did he say?

DJ: leave this to me, I am fluent in dutch

IJ: (whispers to himself) Should make an effort to speak english if he’s going to live here

HO: How long would you like to stay mevrouw (madam) ?

IJ: What did he just call you?

DJ: beautiful lady

DJ: One night please

HO: Your name please?

DJ: Dawn and Ian Jones

HO: Aaah have you been together long?

IJ: a couple of days

HO: good good, well a romantic night in Amsterdam will be just the thing to cement your fledgling relationship then!

IJ: possibly but we’ll just have a room here for the night first if you don’t mind

HO :(perplexed look) Our sumptuous honeymoon suite is available, it’s very beautiful, it has a water bed and the bath is shaped like a tiger lying on its back with its legs in the air. You can relax safe in the knowledge that you are protected from danger by a powerful beast.

IJ: where are the taps?

HO: In his paws

IJ: where is the plug?

HO: in his belly

IJ: where do you keep the soap?

DJ: STOP STOP, OK sorry no we don’t want that room it would not be appropriate.

HO: I understand, King twin? Bath shaped like a baby elephant?

DJ: your most affordable singles will be fine thankyou very much

IJ: whats the bath shaped like in those rooms?

HO: A bath, de heer (sir)

IJ: Ok I like deers, we’ll take those.

Scene Three

Dawn and Ian stand outside the hotel in the morning

DJ: You look a bit fed up, did you not sleep well?

IJ: It’s this rash, it’s bothering me, must be allergic to something

DJ: Right, well onwards and upwards lets look for Nigel

IJ: Who’s he?

DJ: Our brother

IJ: Good, right…where does he live then?

DJ: I don’t know but I have a telephone number

IJ: I don’t like telephones unless I know who has spoken into them before me

DJ: right well, I’ll do the talking then shall I

(cut to phone box)

IJ: Ok you go in, I’ll be look out

DJ: Look out for what

IJ: Joneses!……isn’t that what we’re here for?!

DJ: (withering look) yes Ian, yes

(DJ goes into phone box and has conversation, then comes out looking very pleased)

DJ: We’re on! Ooh he sounds lovely, shocked, confused and maybe a tad angry and impatient but lovely all the same. He said he can spare us 2 minutes at 12 o’clock at the railway station! It’s sooo exciting isn’t it Ian

IJ: How will we know it’s him?

DJ: well, he’s wearing a blue suite, red tie and his hair is….is…oh never mind we’ll find him, he sounds very dashing does’nt he! We’ve got one hour , just enough time for a quick bra change and we can be off.

(Dawn and Ian wait at the station, Dawn looks around anxiously, Ian Stares into the air)

DJ: Ian what are you doing?

IJ: Looking out for pigeons

DJ: Why? You are supposed to be looking for our brother.

IJ: They’re evil, they hate me and want to give me a disease.

DJ: There he is! NIGEL NIGEL HI ITS DAWN…quick Ian look it’s Nigel.

(Ian looks over at the man in the suit and red tie, takes one look at his flame red hair, screams and runs off)


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