Ian notices that there is a slight tinge of ginger to Dawn’s hair. He is horrified, he has a serious phobia about ginger hair (the cause of which will unfold). Denial follows, but is Dawn harbouring a titian secret? If so what proportion of the twenty seven could also be afflicted and how will Ian cope?
(Dawn and Ian are driving across the border into Holland, they have just been though border control, shown their passports and been told to have a safe trip in Holland. Dawn is singing Tulips from Amsterdam……..)
IJ: Where are we?
DJ: What makes you say that?
IJ: I can smell flowers
DJ: They have flowers in quite a few places, what sort of flowers can you smell?
IJ: Not sure…..dandelions?
DJ: Try again
DJ: Think big Ian, I’ve just got to pull in for a bra change while you have a little think about it.
(pulls into services)
IJ: Why do you need to change your bra?
DJ: Don’t want people thinking don’t change my underwear do I?!
IJ: Do you know many people in Kent then?
DJ: We’re not in……oh forget it……….you never know who you might see do you. I’ll be five minutes, now you have a think about that smell and see if you can work out where we are.
(Five minutes pass, Ian spots a ginger man filling up his car and starts scratching the side of his face)
DJ: So…(Dawn gets back in car and pulls off)……..thought about that smell, thought about the flowers? Worked out where we are yet?
IJ: Can’t think of any flowers that smell of petrol to be honest.
DJ: I give up
IJ: Your hair looks a bit gingery in this light
DJ: don’t be silly (flushes)
IJ: must have been a mysterious trick of the light, good job too, I am allergic to ginger hair.
DJ: (awkward look)
Dawn and Ian pull up outside a hotel by a canal in Amsterdam.
DJ: Here we are then, like it?
IJ: Very nice, I need the toilet, must be all this water (in the canal)
DJ: Could be the fact that you just drank a 2 litre bottle of sprite in one go
IJ: Its thirsty work this
DJ: What is
IJ: Jones hunting
DJ: Technically your Jones hunting thus far equates to you sitting in the passenger seat clutching a globe, but I’m sure you’ll come into your own at some point.
IJ: Quite right, you sure you’re not ginger.
DJ: Hush now oh brother of mine and lets go and check in
(Dawn hugs Ian around the waist as they walk into the hotel)
Hotel Owner: Welkom (welcome)
DJ: Welkom to you too
HO: erm thankyou, have you a booking?
IJ: What did he say?
DJ: leave this to me, I am fluent in dutch
IJ: (whispers to himself) Should make an effort to speak english if he’s going to live here
HO: How long would you like to stay mevrouw (madam) ?
IJ: What did he just call you?
DJ: beautiful lady
DJ: One night please
HO: Your name please?
DJ: Dawn and Ian Jones
HO: Aaah have you been together long?
IJ: a couple of days
HO: good good, well a romantic night in Amsterdam will be just the thing to cement your fledgling relationship then!
IJ: possibly but we’ll just have a room here for the night first if you don’t mind
HO :(perplexed look) Our sumptuous honeymoon suite is available, it’s very beautiful, it has a water bed and the bath is shaped like a tiger lying on its back with its legs in the air. You can relax safe in the knowledge that you are protected from danger by a powerful beast.
IJ: where are the taps?
HO: In his paws
IJ: where is the plug?
HO: in his belly
IJ: where do you keep the soap?
DJ: STOP STOP, OK sorry no we don’t want that room it would not be appropriate.
HO: I understand, King twin? Bath shaped like a baby elephant?
DJ: your most affordable singles will be fine thankyou very much
IJ: whats the bath shaped like in those rooms?
HO: A bath, de heer (sir)
IJ: Ok I like deers, we’ll take those.
Dawn and Ian stand outside the hotel in the morning
DJ: You look a bit fed up, did you not sleep well?
IJ: It’s this rash, it’s bothering me, must be allergic to something
DJ: Right, well onwards and upwards lets look for Nigel
IJ: Who’s he?
DJ: Our brother
IJ: Good, right…where does he live then?
DJ: I don’t know but I have a telephone number
IJ: I don’t like telephones unless I know who has spoken into them before me
DJ: right well, I’ll do the talking then shall I
(cut to phone box)
IJ: Ok you go in, I’ll be look out
DJ: Look out for what
IJ: Joneses!……isn’t that what we’re here for?!
DJ: (withering look) yes Ian, yes
(DJ goes into phone box and has conversation, then comes out looking very pleased)
DJ: We’re on! Ooh he sounds lovely, shocked, confused and maybe a tad angry and impatient but lovely all the same. He said he can spare us 2 minutes at 12 o’clock at the railway station! It’s sooo exciting isn’t it Ian
IJ: How will we know it’s him?
DJ: well, he’s wearing a blue suite, red tie and his hair is….is…oh never mind we’ll find him, he sounds very dashing does’nt he! We’ve got one hour , just enough time for a quick bra change and we can be off.
(Dawn and Ian wait at the station, Dawn looks around anxiously, Ian Stares into the air)
DJ: Ian what are you doing?
IJ: Looking out for pigeons
DJ: Why? You are supposed to be looking for our brother.
IJ: They’re evil, they hate me and want to give me a disease.
DJ: There he is! NIGEL NIGEL HI ITS DAWN…quick Ian look it’s Nigel.
(Ian looks over at the man in the suit and red tie, takes one look at his flame red hair, screams and runs off)