Talking of drinking if anyone is in London on Friday come for a beer at the Dover Castle, 43, Weymouth Mews, London, W1G 7EH I'll be there from 5pm until the early hours and we can drink and do lots of cud chewing re: the show. ha ha.

Yes - I agree. I'd quite like it to've had 'The End…' or something similar.

We did try to get a couple of post-credit sequences in during earlier episodes, but
it was considered important ot have the logo, etc as the final image.

Here's a list of (most of) the guest actors:

Dawn Jones - Emma Fryer
Ian Wallock-Jones - Neil Edmond
Roger Logg-Jones - James Rawlings
Not Jean Jamboneau - Tom Meeten
Parisian Artist - Barunka O'Shaughnessy
Angel Saltamentes - Joan Kempson
Carston Whelk-Jones - Steve Oram
Roy - Simon Greenall
Zzabur Cerebus-Jones - Peter Slater
Wim Pelvus-Jones - Ken Collard
Tina Fromoslo-Jones - Jo Neary
Cherry Ledojo-Jones - Lisa Fryer

Jonti & Michael are MYSTERIOUS.

Quite strange to be snooping here without digging through people's scripts. Thanks for all your contributions, by the way.

Many cheers,

Neil

Then after the credits roll…

Dawn:

I wasn't suprised

Then the thing, y' know the thing with the thing.

Just some thoughts that might get rid of subconscious frustration.

DS

P.S. Well done on the comedy and all of that, but seriously, when the keyboard sounds came up on the film and it said amongst other things "I like being an only child" scared the bejeezus out of me. Well done.

Frasier didn't die after leaving cheers he went on to produce one of my favourite comedy shows.

By the way if it gets commissioned can I play Dawn, I think I'd look great in a dress and all that gorgeous blond hair, phwwaarrrrr…..now stop it.

Can I say huge thanks to everyone connected with Where Are The Joneses? I have loved every second of it and I don't quite know what to do now it's over. Perhaps we should form an online Jones survivors group - there have been enough hugely talented people contributing here to create something else, definitely.

Any takers?

I'm waiting…..
I'm waiting…..
I'm still waiting……

And then one day someone picked up that puppy that had become such an intrinsic part of my life and then, whilst almost laughing in my face, dropped that poor defenseless creature right in the f**king mincer.

P.S. I realise it has finished but I do hope the other BabyCow feedbacks get posted please, was wondering if Wim Pelvus' sauce idea came from the bits I wrote about Keith Snatch.

OK, here is my last 30 seconds of season 1:

Ian and Dawn finally reach the destination where Tina is supposed to be

Ian opens the door, but neither Dawn nor Michael can see inside

Ian: O…o God Pulls out inhaler, and uses it

Dawn: What is it? Runs to the door O…o God. Grabs Ian's inhaler and uses it

Michal: Runs to the door, revealing Tina, quite beaten and dead O…o God. Takes the inhaler for Dawn and uses it

Dawn: There's a message.

Ian: What? What does it say?

Dawn: It's a riddle of some sort. It's a poem.

Dearest Ian and Dawn,
You are wasting your time
This is not your mission
This mission is mine

In the house of the blind
Someone at the door will knock
There is more for you
Under the clock

Go on your way
You've had your fun
You are not a Jones
I am the only one.

Ian: Clock? Blind? What does it mean?

Dawn: I don't know Ian, I don't know!

Woman's voice: The map is under the rug.

Camera moves to reveal Zzabur

Dawn: Zzabur! What are you doing here? What are you talking about?

Zzabur: That is what she said to me before she died. I will join you. I am coming with you

This all of course is followed by the imediate release of 2 torrents. One for season one in avi (xvid + mp3) and one for season one in ogg (theora + vorbis), both in the original resolution

This is all really dark, but I think you get the idea of what I want. Something suspenseful to make sure this doesn't get completely dropped. An extra permanent character to look forward to (one with a special ability). Torrents.

Ian:

Dawn I've got something to tell you

Dawn:

What Ian?

Ian:

Your Dads not your real Dad, you are the product of sperm donation with 27 siblings scattered around Europe..

Dawn:

I know that Ian

Ian:

Let me continue during this journey we've had many adventures. I've been wrapped in bubble wrap, I lost my shoes to a brother who insulted me, I gained a brother who wasn't my brother, I've even deficated on bed sheets. Something I'd never do back home. I've even grown a beard and now I've got to tell you something..

Dawn:

Go on Ian

Ian:

Your half brothers not your real half brother..

Dawn:

Which one?

Ian:

Me Dawn

Dawn stands there in shock

London's Grosvenor House Hotel. We see Emma, Neil and the rest of the crew at a table.

STEPHEN FRY
David, the winner?

DAVID HASSELHOFF opens the envelope
The BAFTA for best comedy writing goes to… The Where Are The Joneses Community.

The place erupts.

Extreme Close Up Box of matches. Zoom out. The car, windows open, in a remote field filled with paper and straw . Sellotaped to the roof is the cardboard with the drawing of the bearded dad. Pan round. Dawn and Ian are wearing horned Viking helmets.

DAWN (intoning)
I invoke Loki, god of parenthood, Odin god of travel and Thor, god of sperm. Let the flames bond us to eternal Valhalla's Halls of Fame. Like a phoenix.

IAN
Hang on. I can't get the matches to light.

DAWN
Flames. I summon you.

IAN
Nope. Not yet.

DAWN
It is time for the burning! Symbolic end and rebirth of a dynasty of Jones. The Holy Owl of the Norse…

IAN
I think the heads have got damp.

IAN unsuccessfully strikes loads of matches and flings them into the car window.

DAWN (taking off her helmet)
It's probably best. I don't think the insurance covers viking funerals.

IAN
And Snowy's been a good car, to be honest.

They get in and drive towards the gate. Smoke suddenly billows from the back seats. The car stops and DAWN and IAN get out and run. Slowly and with an absolute lack of Hollywood explosions, the car is gently consumed by fire.

This would answer questions like why he ran, maybe he felt he'd gone to deep and panicked.

Why does Ian keep his tin so close? why does he take his passport with him when they were in France? to prove he wasn't a tramp? Maybe he didn't want Dawn/Jonti to see the passport and find out who he really is.

Who's Cherry? Maybe she is the girlfriend of the real Ian, that's why when questioned he doesn't want to talk about it as 1/ he is nothing to do with Cherry he is just a bloke who works at her boyfriends shop to her and 2/ The real Ian and Cherry are half brother and sister, that would be an awkward topic of conversation.

He talks about his mum death, but maybe his dad died too.

Dawn's Ian could just be someone who has spent a lot of time alone hence the nervousness when meeting new people.

Dawn has made her Ian a stronger person so all in all it could be a happy ending.

Edit: Just saw Roy calling Ian, Ian maybe he's not Ian Wollak, maybe he's Ian something else

Ian:

I want to show you this Dawn

Dawn:

What is it?

Ian tears open the envelope and pulls out a passport.

Ian:

It's my passport, my new passport, the man who brought me up, erm Dad sorted it out for me, look.

Ian shows her, not looking at it himself, Dawn looks at the passport and takes it in.

Dawn:

(tearfull) Oh Ian, it's got your real name on it

Ian:

I know, I'm a Jones now,Ian Jones.

Dawn hugs Ian with the love only a brother and sister can have for each other

Dawn:

I love you Ian

Ian:

I love you too, erm sis

Dawn:

Ian?

Ian:

Yes

Dawn:

Have you looked at this?

Ian:

No

Dawn points and gestures to the passport.

Dawn:

I think you ought to get this done properly

Ian looks confused

because I don't think scribbling your surname out with perminent marker really counts as official documentation.

Ian:

What?

Ian looks at the passport

Dad!

Dawn:

Come on lets go, we need to put that cardigan in the wash, you whiffy monster.

Ian:

Will it be okay in your washing machine? I don't want it to shrink, me and this cardigan have been through a lot

Dawn:

We all have Ian, all three of us

Dawn links arms with Ian and they walk off in to the distance, they carry on talking

Ian:

I think I might donate sperm one day.

Dawn:

Like Zzabur?

Ian:

Yeah

Dawn:

I think it best you don't Ian

Ian:

Really?

Dawn:

More trouble than it's worth, you find yourself a nice lady and make yourself a beautiful family, Auntie Dawn will come round to visit.

Ian:

That'd be nice.

Dawn:

I know

Ian:

I've enjoyed doing all this you know, it's been an adventure, it'd make a great movie.

Dawn:

Yeah it would, who'd play you?

Ian:

Neil Edmond

Dawn:

Good call

CUT TO

Ians Passport comes up on screen with "Wollak" scribbled out with "Jones" above it.

Fade Out

DAWN and IAN are walking along having a 'what have you learned' conversation, along the lines of:

DAWN
Wherever you go, your family are there. In the faces of strangers, the bars, the badly-parked cars. Even that rat-boy scrote who tried to lift my purse reminded me of Auntie Elaine before she fell off a ladder. Same bone structure. Your family are always with you.

IAN
Yes, and I'm surprised at how graffiti-free the Croatian forests were. And how hot their pavements got. And how, when you least expected it, someone would ignore you and you'd feel better about being different. And some people were nice too. Italians, chiefly. And that Dutch lady.

As they walk along spouting this sort of thing, they pass various throwbacks similar to things they encountered on the journey - a pavement portraitist, a bottle with a message in it, a baseball cap, clogs, boxes of veg, a guitar player (which can form the music to this), waffles, a cowbell and, from on overflowing bin, lottery tickets bearing the number 27 and finally, a torn fly-poster from someone else called Jones looking for 27 siblings.

DAWN and IAN, engrossed in their conversation, see none of these things as they walk back to the car and drive off, leaving Ian's tin by the side of the road. The car slows as they realise, then accelerates again without stopping.

They have all come to find Dawn, they were all on the same journey. Dawn realises that she didn't need to search, she just needed to be found.

i would quite like it to end on a gentle or emotional note. something that sort of suggests how far dawn has come an how much developing a relationship with ian has meant to her. simple but nice.

Chris

Like the "BEST TV SHOW EVER" PLC.

Close Up of Dawn smiling strangely.

Shots Ring out.
Cut to Black.

Theme from Blake 7.

we then see five still photographs of the other four "Dawns" each with a summary of their life story.

Fade to black.

Fade up from black.

We see a still of Ian's identical twin. He's posing on the bonnet of a gold-plated Baby Bentley, outside a Beverley Hills mansion. He's blinged up like Jimmy Saville. Cue music: Some heavy over-produced rap tune with eminemian-style whiney rap. The camera zooms in on the twin's feet. He's wearing sensible Clark's shoes.

(This is all about the idea that no matter how fractured you might think your identity is in the gene pool of your family, there is always another layer of fragmenting waiting to happen. Dawn and Ian, believing they were chasing their individual places in this sperm donor's trail of fertility, are actually left with a ticket to a whole new circus of identity crisis to sort out)

Dawn appears with chocolate all over her face, eating one of those kinder eggs things, talking about how she's convinced that she's going to get a windmill with working sails. Dawn stops dead in her tracks. It's another Dawn. It's her Dad.

Dawn comes round to find herself sitting at a table in a fancy pastry cafe. Ian tells her that the news is better than they could have dreamed of.

Not only is this man her father, and not only is this other Dawn her twin sister. But Dawn is one of identical quintuplets. Apparently the father chose THAT Dawn to keep because her cries reminded him of Lulu.

Dawn starts to sob, and is full of those pitiful mewling questions that people have at times like this. But why?- How?

Ian leans in and in his most caring beardy voice he explains "When you identical quintuplets were born it was an absolute miracle, but your father, he didn't want the publicity. Like a pools winner or an MP who likes being spanked".

A blurry photograph is produced, Dawn's trembly hand takes it and she stares at it intently. There they are, the five identical baby girls.

Would be nice to see a bit of a scene where Ian flips back into his 'real' personality, something could make him lose it like someone at a checkout telling him 'sorry your credit card has been declined', this would probably be red rag to a bull. He probably has loads of spare credit cards stiched into the lining of his cardigan.

IAN/TUGG
How about it Dawn? Be rich and spend your life with me, or die here with Michael like a miserable dog in this forgotten, lonely swamp near Chichester?

Ian: "Dawn watch out for that Elk !"
CRASH

In the last episode, Dawn comes too in some distress people are around her and they pull her out of snowy, she gestures to them that she is ok. A fella called Jim is there at the scene, he is a lawyer/ambulance chaser. He saw the incident and told her that she was in for a hell of a compensation settlement from the local zoo (this is where the Elk escaped from). There is no sign of Ian. Dawn has hurt her leg a little, Jim offers to buy her a coffee, Dawn agrees with thanks. They go into the coffee shop, Dawn settles down and is seen flicking through a paper that is left on a table, Jim goes to the counter to order drinks and muffins.

He comes back to the table, Dawn closes the paper. Jim asks Dawn a few questions and Dawn summarises what has been happening the last three months, Cherry Le Dojo, Carston Whelks, Z.Cerebus, Eenie Mansinie etc. Jim is all ears, it is an amazing story. He tells Dawn that she should take the zoo to the cleaners for letting the deer out, Dawn tells him that she is only interested in finding all her family and isn't interested in money. She excuses herself telling him she needs to go and make a quick call. She hobbles out of the coffee shop.

Jim, a bit bored picks up the paper that Dawn was reading and is sort of flicking through it until something catches his eye, you could maybe hear this in voice over as he is looking at the classified ads section.

"Do you have problems with your drains? A bit smelly? Embarassed to invite people round? Why not call Carston Whelks of Romford plumbers on ……"
"I'm a bit fat but have a bubbly personality, full of life, looking for a similar minded individual. Call Cherry Le Dojo on ……"

He keeps turning the pages.
"Zzabur Cerebus on free transfer from Kettering town to Aston Villa took the wrath of the Villa supporters as he let in 6 goals in the first half…"

It slowly dawns (no pun intended) on Jim what has happened, he drops his mocca frapucinno on the table. A shot to Dawn hobbling along the road outside, she starts to smirk to herself and then suddenly her hobble stops and she start walking normally again.

Obviously (if you've seen it) this is sort of a take on The Usual Suspects which was a film that freaked me out when I saw it (not that I really understood it). It would certainly confuse the hell out of everyone, including me.

Possibly Dawn actually getting a gaming reference right.

"Well you've certainly got enough experience points from this to go up a level or two." or something.

Or Ian getting a woo reference right.

"This will be good karma."

Or custard pies. Why not?

The last thirty seconds should definately have some form of cliff hanger. Part of me doesn't want them to find thier dad. that or he's dead. and they want to know how… and its sort of left up to us… or another season!

or perhaps dawn discovers she took the wrong list from the doctor.

another part of me wants him to be a dirty old man/washed up rock star that never really made it that big and donted sperm for a quick buck.

then theres the part of me that wants him to be the owner of a flower shop.

- i am tired and i think i need bed :S

Chris

So, we were wondering if you, The Joneses' community, had any ideas about what the last 30 seconds might look like?

Is there any ending you always wanted to see? Something that's never been seen before? Something that flips everything on its head? Go on, stretch yourselves!